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May 23, 2018    Burn Book

Oh Facebook, Why Do You Hate Women?


We are but a humble advertising agency in Austin. Far be it from us simple folk to question the decisions of a once in a generation genius wizard like the Grand Master of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, Lord of the Internet, the first of his name.

But, if we may, it would please us to submit the following query, based upon our simple-minded (in comparison) observations:

Why does Facebook hate women?

We ask, oh mighty brain god Zuckerberg, only because you do not allow us to easily advertise for a client of ours who specializes, medically, in helping women.

For the sake of privacy (we’re sure you understand us there, Zuck) we won’t name the client. Also, without getting too detailed, the client is (technically) a cosmetic surgery practice. That said, they don’t make their money giving rich 18 year old girls and divorcee cougars double Ds as graduation and/or freedom presents, respectively.

Rather, the practice provides women with solutions to intimate discomforts, deformities, deteriorations, and, yes, cosmetic issues (though those cosmetic issues are usually a not insignificant source of insecurity and anxiety for the girls and women). They help women feel better. Physically and mentally. Even a cursory examination of their website — the one that we’re constantly linking to from Facebook — would confirm this.

And Facebook makes it basically impossible for us to advertise for them. Because… reasons. We’re not exactly sure what they think our client is trying to do, but like we said, they’re a medical practice that helps women with intimate issues. They’re as upstanding as a medical practice could possibly be. The people who run it are experts, consummate professionals, and above all, good people. This isn’t some South Beach, Nip/Tuck situation.

But the social media platform that got played by Russian trolls with hilariously bad websites has figured our client out! They must be peddling smut and doing sleazy things! Because we didn’t have time to check but they could be!

Forgive us if we don’t trust your judgment.

Facebook’s judgment by the way, is this: conversations about intimate women’s health issues are too risky (to Facebook’s bottom line) for its users to be exposed to. Facebook, apparently, would rather women find their answers elsewhere. Sorry ladies, the most used social media platform on the planet isn’t the place for these conversations. Look somewhere else, if you even know where. Or suffer in silence. Facebook doesn’t care. Just as long as they don’t, *gasp*, get a complaint from someone.

Maybe Facebook doesn’t hate women. That might be unfair. But they definitely like money more.

All hail Glorious Leader Zuckerberg, our android overlord.

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