In Defense of Millennials

The initial idea for this article was to have a millennial (I’m 23 years old and writing this from my phone) write an article complaining about other millennials, like how every other generation complains about us. But then I took a look at the facts and realized we simply are the greatest, most practical generation, who will probably end up saving the world from every misstep of every previous generation.

Let’s look at the facts together:

Millennials get married older.
That means over our lifetimes we will get fewer divorces, and get remarried less, which saves a lot of money on lawyers and flowers and single-use dresses that can be spent on, say, cancer research.

We are more ethnically diverse.
For the sake of political correctness I can’t say why that is good, but if you don’t think that is good you are probably one of those cranky, racist Baby Boomers.

More of us are graduating college.
Which makes the next fact a little more bizarre. Not really, considering most millennials go to school when they don’t know what they want…on their parent’s dime.

More of us are unemployed.
Giving us plenty of time think about the important things in life, like which cool new bars have $2 PBR.

Our household incomes are higher.
Probably because of inflation, now that I think about it… What is an unemployed millennial’s income? Oh I forgot, the parental credit card has no limit.

More of us live in cities or suburbs.
Technology may be alienating us from each other, but we are physically closer.

There are more of us.
We will rule you. And we will choose having more iPhones over having more babies so we will probably be remembered as the most powerful generation ever.

Of course some of you may object to this rock-solid evidence of our generational superiority. But that’s probably because you are less likely to have gone to college.

If you don’t understand millennials, and you own a business, you should hire one of us. We understand our own proclivities best, and we could use the work.

Annie Refutes The “Evidence”

We are more ethnically diverse.
Do you want a trophy for being born?

More of us are unemployed.
OK, that is kind of funny.

Our household incomes are higher.
What is an unemployed millennial’s income? Oh I forgot, the parental credit card has no limit.

There are more of us.
Per Julien: if there’s a zombie apocalypse you won’t have your phone. And none of you will know what to do since you can’t google it.

If you refute the evidence, you probably didn’t go to college.
Well I did, but I respect the ones that had to work to get experience instead. Going to college longer doesn’t make you smarter.

We know our own proclivities.
True, if your name is Sam and you’re not from Texas.

If you have an opinion on the matter, please chime in.