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May 11, 2018    Burn Book

If You Don’t Celebrate Donut Day, Then You Can Just GIT OUT (of America)


Donuts are America. And if you don’t love them, you don’t love America. And if you don’t love America, well…

The donut was invented by an American in 1847 but that’s as much as we’re going to say about that, because if we turned this into some nerd history lecture we’d be killing the USA vibe harder than a French guy in a beret miming in the middle of a Fourth of July fireworks show.

A donut isn’t just American because it was invented by an American. Donuts are American because they’re imbued with the American spirit.

Eating donuts for breakfast is an assertion of dominance. An American who eats a donut for breakfast is, in essence, kicking in that day’s front door and demanding respect from all behind it.

“That’s right, I ate a deep fried ring of sugar for breakfast. What of it? Who here can match my boldness!? NONE!” the American exclaims to those who may seek to judge them or, even more foolishly, attempt to get in their way.

There is nothing more American than going out of one’s own way to conquer a challenge no one asked you to. In this case, that challenge being unnecessarily filling oneself with sugar and bread to potentially debilitating levels before going out and attempting to meet the day.

We’re Americans. We play to win, and we don’t play on level Easy.

And so, in honor of this most patriotic breakfast, we here at Rock Candy Media are taking Donut Day off in observance of the treat, but really, in honor of America. Shame on you if you don’t feel compelled to do the same. You might as well be a communist, eating some sort of pickled fish and cold soup breakfast.

Here’s what the rest of the Rock Candy Media staff has to say about their beloved donuts.

Kelsie Singleton, Art Director
Growing up, it was tradition to stop at Krispy Creme at the beginning of every road trip. It wasn’t the trip, but the idea of stopping for donuts that inspired me get up at 5:00 a.m. and start the day. As soon as we parked, I would run inside, stand with my face pressed up against the glass with the obligatory paper hat falling off my head, and watch fresh donuts come down the line. Of course I was force fed a kolache or two, but I only ever looked forward to the warm, fresh donuts.

These memories will be with me forever and having a day to celebrate them with my family is something I really look forward to. It seems un-American and disrespectful to ignore this tradition and I only wish everyone had the chance to honor this wonderful day.

Nic Fowler, Content Strategist
God Bless, America. The most ass kickin’ country in the world. It’s hard being so damn good at everything all the time but someone’s gotta do it. Wanna put a man on the moon? Call JFK. Fast Food drive thrus? Thanks, Ray Kroc. The Internet? YOU’RE WELCOME! We’ve done some pretty impressive sh*t over the last 241 years, and sure we screw up sometimes, but it’s not a thing. To add to our list of accomplishments we might have also invented these sugary, fried dough things called Donuts. It’s annoying, I know. How can one country be responsible for so many great things? Sh*t’s crazy but you know what’s crazier? No one celebrates this day. We celebrate a lot of stupid stuff in this country but we somehow draw the line at donuts? How did we go from a country that was storming the beaches of Normandy to a country that is so terrified of sugar and gluten you can rob a bank with it? Our forefathers are rolling in their graves. But not me. I refuse to be a part of the majority that goes silent whenever one of its national treasures has their day in the sun. So you bet your sweet ass that come June 1st while everyone else is slaving away at their life sucking job I’m going to be polishing off a bakers dozen of whatever my local dough dealer has to offer. The way Thomas Jefferson intended it.

Anthony Coffey, Web Developer
One might say that donuts are tasty. This is true, indeed donuts are tasty… but donuts are also something else. Donuts, are LIFE.

You see, donuts and me are one in the same. Sweet, round, and a hole where my heart should be. Donuts bring us together, and make that AA meeting that much less miserable. If anything is America, it’s donuts.

Jake Beam, Brand Creative Director
Donuts are more than America’s favorite breakfast dessert, they bring life. There is no reason for our society not to take off on this grand holiday. What kind of message are we promoting to the kids we feed the donuts? What about the cops who pound them all year? These magical creations deserve more of our respect. Who needs Wheaties when a tasty crash is headed your way before the noon hour? If you’re dunking your donuts you can even circumvent the crash for another hour or so. Win, win. Before you know it lunch is here and if you’re lucky you have leftover donuts. Shame on you for not taking taking today off and shame on America.

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