Facebook’s Worst Offenders

With features to block those annoying folks from our Facebook newsfeeds, it seems the lists of annoying social media personalities continues to grow and grow…and grow. We’ll always have the Debbie Downers preaching about their life drama, publicly ranting about breakups and life frustrations. The fashionistas will persist, photographing every Coach purse in their collections. CNN published a pretty accurate list in 2009, naming personalities like “The Town Crier,” “The Friend-Padder,” “The Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day-Bore” and “The Sympathy Baiter.” Their list is still pretty right-on. But what are the new waves of annoying Facebook personalities?

Last night, over a bottle (or two) of vino, we scoured through those old “friends” blocked from our newsfeed to come up with a few new categories. Let’s not be one of these types, folks. Here’s four that we came up with:

The Non-Athlete Athlete: “Five miles” in a Facebook status isn’t quite the same as five miles on a treadmill, guy/gal. We identified a handful of self-proclaimed athletes and fitness gurus in our own newsfeeds who find the need to check into the gym every time they visit. “Hitting the treadmill hard!!!! At Gold’s Gym.” That’s great and all, but you’re also one of my friend’s sisters, and I know damn well you had Whataburger for dinner, and your “five miles” was a leisurely mile-walk without an incline. Notice the “non-athlete athlete” never posts selfies of their abs and ripped muscles. Because they aren’t really working them. Let’s get real.

The Exclamatory Asshole: The number of exclamation points in the former personality’s status is a perfect example of this. Why do you find ten exclamation points necessary for this very simple status? It’s breakfast tacos. It’s really not that exciting. Almost every status ending with 3 or more exclamation points is, in actuality, one of CNN’s “Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day-Bore” types. Overly enthusiastic folks get hidden on the reg.

Forget the “Obsessed Parent,” how about the Obsessively Protective Parent? There are obsessed parents all over Facebook–pet owners and parents of little humans alike. They obnoxiously find everything their dog/baby does to be the most adorable thing they’ve ever seen. This often includes poop tales and photos of their babies that just aren’t cute. It’s a fact that some babies just aren’t that cute until they’re at least 6 months old. Spare us. BUT, the new wave of parents cluttering my newsfeed are the absurdly paranoid parents. For example, “My daughter came home with a bracelet in her backpack. I asked where she got it and she said, “[A boy] gave it to me.” No other girls got bracelets. It wasn’t even their Valentine’s Day. I don’t know this kid, but he could be 4 or 5. What does that indicate at that age? My daughter is only 3.5.” Need I add any snarky response to this? His intentions are obvious, lady. Get her on birth control immediately.

The Pho Foodie: Yes, I know the proper pronunciation of “pho,” but that’s the irony. The Pho Foodie (read: Faux Foodie) imagines everything they eat (whether at a restaurant or homemade) is as gourmet as Paul Qui’s dishes. Through a series of Instagram filters, lofty adjectives (and hashtags) and shots from multiple angles, they’re jam-soaked short-stack suddenly becomes as marvelous as a pastry breakfast in the South of France. It’s not that fancy. It’s Denny’s, it’s just not.