Competition is common in the workplace, and at an ad agency it’s a way of life. While other workplaces may compete over who can close the most deals or who can finish their assignments quicker, here at Rock Candy Media Annie and Sam compete over who is the blackest non-black person.
The who is the blackest competition of course isn’t literal, otherwise, as the only black person working here I’d have won this by now. The contest translates to who is emulates the best and coolest qualities of black people. Basically, who’s the most down person in the office. Who’s the going to get the least side-eye at an NAACP rally. Who’s going to get the most high fives at a Wu Tang concert (and, who’s most likely to go see Wu Tang). I am not eligible for the contest since I admitted to liking cosplay and silent discos, which have been deemed as uncool white people sh*t.
The competition today consisted of 3 rounds. Both sides presented their cases.
Annie: Is already a minority. She’s way more black than anyone who looks like they stepped out of a Brooks Brothers catalog.
Sam: Whatever, Annie, these pants are cool and you know it.
Round 1 winner: Annie. If I’m disqualified for liking cosplay, Sam isn’t winning this round while wearing $70 pants.
Annie: Loves old school hip hop. She plays De La Soul for her daughter while driving her to pre-school.
Sam: Has been to more hip hop shows than his ADD allows him to be able to count.
Round 2 winner: Sam. He’s clearly making an effort to remain cool (aka, black)
Annie: Made a playlist titled “Blacker than Sam” with Kelis on it that made the only black person in the room dance.
Sam: Wait, that’s a category?? I take public transportation. Does that count?
Round 3 winner: Annie. I can’t help it, Bossy by Kelis is my JAM.
So today’swinner of the Black Belt is Annie. Stay tuned for future contest updates, but in the meantime, enjoy the playlist: